I hear about this all the time. People who let their children define them. I was going to be different, I would stay true to me. But now, I am watching as my kids become their own little people. When did I find time for me? Where did my voice go? Has my voice shrank under the constant barrage of dinosaurs and baby dolls? Where do my kids end and I begin? I wonder, as I dance to the Trolls soundtrack, singing along, because I know all of the words.
It's great to love my kids. It's great they are my world. But when you take them away, what am I? Where is my voice? It is so squeaky. I am hiding behind being a mom, so I don't have a voice.
But does it go farther than that? When do I not hide behind someone or something else?
What opinions do I share without first finding a source I can quote or share? I don't write my own content, I just share the work of others. Why not, it is less effort, and if there is any offense, I did not actually say it, someone else did.
So, I am starting to find out about me, and it is dirty, it's ugly. I am freaking out over the pandemic. I want to find a work from home job so I don't have to kill my kids and family. But it's not looking good. I said I was in daycare, because I love kids and it's something I'm good at. I like the hours, vacation, weekends off. But my kids need homeschooled. They need it. Letting them go to a germ ridden school in a pandemic is a resounding no. An f no, if you will.
So I said, well, I got that degree in TESOL that I don't use. I was going to travel, and teach English around the world. but then I started a family instead. I have no confidence. That's why I didn't teach, and I am being reminded by trying out for the teacher jobs online. Smile, pretend to be happy. I don't know if I can do it. Yikes. Wow, how do people do this everyday? Maybe with a real student it will be fine, but teaching an invisible student for demos is nuts.
Then the kids are downstairs, so I can finally do my demo. I get three tries. Okay, the first one wasn't so great, I try again. Halfway through the second attempt, Zero jumps up and steals the doll I'm acting with. No problem, shut the dog in the room with Chris, keep rolling. Last attempt, Nina runs upstairs and throws herself in my lap, she starts pushing on the screen. Great. Now I have to lock myself away next time I apply somewhere, or wait til they're sleeping, which is what I am doing now.
I've had a constant chest pain for half the week, and I really think it's stress. But who knows, it could be Covid. Wouldn't that be funny, I don't go anywhere, but might get Covid anyway, just because.
Did I mention TESOL jobs are not the only job I'm applying for. No, that would be too easy. Applying for jobs has become my new full-time job. Writing jobs. Well, I did get the useless English degree hanging out in my closet. So, I try to apply for writing jobs. Hey, wait, how many years of experience do you want? Wow.
Now, everywhere I apply wants published articles. Okay, I have some from 15 years ago. Wow, I am so old. Okay, no published articles, fine, show us your website. Umm, it hasn't been updated in 10 years, is that okay?
Your Twitter? I have like 3 tweets, and 50 retweets?
Facebook?
Oh, yeah, I do lots of facebook. Unique posts?
Oh what?
Nah, I don't unique nothing. It's so much easier to repost interesting news stories, funny memes or insightful quotes other people said. What have I said?
So, I post a lot of stuff about Black Lives Matter and wearing masks. Let me say a couple things about these.
First, BLM is very close to me, because I believe in equality. I remember learning about slavery and the civil rights movement in 5th grade during black history month. Did they really teach it all together, I'm looking at you, 90s public schools. That same day, a girl in my class called a boy the n word. I didn't like the boy, but I thought that was a terrible thing she did, and we had just learned it was a bad word.
I remember reading a book a long time ago and in it one of the characters doesn't want a doll because it has dark skin. I was reminded of that when I had my own baby dolls and one doll was a light skinned black baby doll and I liked that one more than the darker one. I don't know why, I was just a child, but it was already there. Then, I saw the video where these children are picking white dolls as the nice ones or the pretty ones, these children are saying they are not as pretty. It's disgusting.
It's disgusting. I want to be an ally. But I don't want to step on anyone. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. I don't want to speak over Black voices or profit on any Black thoughts. That's one reason I have shared a lot of things about police brutality and fighting racism. I have also done my own studying. I have read a lot of books.
I read these books, but did not sit and reflect, I read one after the other. I didn't even review them. Maybe I should go back and do that now. I feel like I never have time for anything and when I finally have time, I sit. I defeat myself.
