Let Being a Mom Define Me

I hear about this all the time. People who let their children define them. I was going to be different, I would stay true to me. But now, I am watching as my kids become their own little people. When did I find time for me? Where did my voice go? Has my voice shrank under the constant barrage of dinosaurs and baby dolls? Where do my kids end and I begin? I wonder, as I dance to the Trolls soundtrack, singing along, because I know all of the words.

It's great to love my kids. It's great they are my world. But when you take them away, what am I? Where is my voice? It is so squeaky. I am hiding behind being a mom, so I don't have a voice.
But does it go farther than that? When do I not hide behind someone or something else?

What opinions do I share without first finding a source I can quote or share? I don't write my own content, I just share the work of others. Why not, it is less effort, and if there is any offense, I did not actually say it, someone else did.

So, I am starting to find out about me, and it is dirty, it's ugly. I am freaking out over the pandemic. I want to find a work from home job so I don't have to kill my kids and family. But it's not looking good. I said I was in daycare, because I love kids and it's something I'm good at. I like the hours, vacation, weekends off. But my kids need homeschooled. They need it. Letting them go to a germ ridden school in a pandemic is a resounding no. An f no, if you will.

So I said, well, I got that degree in TESOL that I don't use. I was going to travel, and teach English around the world. but then I started a family instead. I have no confidence. That's why I didn't teach, and I am being reminded by trying out for the teacher jobs online. Smile, pretend to be happy. I don't know if I can do it. Yikes. Wow, how do people do this everyday? Maybe with a real student it will be fine, but teaching an invisible student for demos is nuts.

Then the kids are downstairs, so I can finally do my demo. I get three tries. Okay, the first one wasn't so great, I try again. Halfway through the second attempt, Zero jumps up and steals the doll I'm acting with. No problem, shut the dog in the room with Chris, keep rolling. Last attempt, Nina runs upstairs and throws herself in my lap, she starts pushing on the screen. Great. Now I have to lock myself away next time I apply somewhere, or wait til they're sleeping, which is what I am doing now.

I've had a constant chest pain for half the week, and I really think it's stress. But who knows, it could be Covid. Wouldn't that be funny, I don't go anywhere, but might get Covid anyway, just because.

Did I mention TESOL jobs are not the only job I'm applying for. No, that would be too easy. Applying for jobs has become my new full-time job. Writing jobs. Well, I did get the useless English degree hanging out in my closet. So, I try to apply for writing jobs. Hey, wait, how many years of experience do you want? Wow.

Now, everywhere I apply wants published articles. Okay, I have some from 15 years ago. Wow, I am so old. Okay, no published articles, fine, show us your website. Umm, it hasn't been updated in 10 years, is that okay?

Your Twitter? I have like 3 tweets, and 50 retweets?
Facebook?
Oh, yeah, I do lots of facebook. Unique posts?

Oh what?

Nah, I don't unique nothing. It's so much easier to repost interesting news stories, funny memes or insightful quotes other people said. What have I said?

So, I post a lot of stuff about Black Lives Matter and wearing masks. Let me say a couple things about these.

First, BLM is very close to me, because I believe in equality. I remember learning about slavery and the civil rights movement in 5th grade during black history month. Did they really teach it all together, I'm looking at you, 90s public schools. That same day, a girl in my class called a boy the n word. I didn't like the boy, but I thought that was a terrible thing she did, and we had just learned it was a bad word.

I remember reading a book a long time ago and in it one of the characters doesn't want a doll because it has dark skin. I was reminded of that when I had my own baby dolls and one doll was a light skinned black baby doll and I liked that one more than the darker one. I don't know why, I was just a child, but it was already there. Then, I saw the video where these children are picking white dolls as the nice ones or the pretty ones, these children are saying they are not as pretty. It's disgusting.

It's disgusting. I want to be an ally. But I don't want to step on anyone. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing. I don't want to speak over Black voices or profit on any Black thoughts. That's one reason I have shared a lot of things about police brutality and fighting racism. I have also done my own studying. I have read a lot of books.

I read these books, but did not sit and reflect, I read one after the other. I didn't even review them. Maybe I should go back and do that now. I feel like I never have time for anything and when I finally have time, I sit. I defeat myself.

Bump on the head

My son got his first bump on the head the other day. Now it looks like a rainbow, the middle is pinkish red, than a ring of yellow surrounds it, and an outer ring of green. When it happened my world stopped. He was running, and fell. It looked like he fell onto his little couch, so at first I thought he was fine, just scared. But he cried so hard. I picked him up and held him, we spun around the room and sang. He was happy again. Then I saw the bump, big raised bump with a bruise on top. We took a picture to see if we needed to take him to the doctor. It probably looked worse than it was, but to me it was as if he had been wounded in battle by an ax.

Cleaning so we might not get kicked out, but we probably will anyway. My downstairs neighbor is a terrible human being who wishes for nothing more than us to be forced out into the freezing snow. She is the kind of person who runs up the stairs and bangs on our door for the slightest noise, and they don't all even come from this apartment.

I have been woken up at 1 or 2 am by this crazed woman, who while screaming in my face and holding a lit cigarette berated me for waking up her grandson. I told her not to ever bring her cigarette near my door again and shut the door, hoping to go back to sleep. However, the evil hag woke up my baby. Thanks a lot, bitch!

Once she even came to our door and said she was recording us. WTF? Is that even legal? Totally creepy. I don't know who this woman thinks she is, but why should she complain for every little thing, real or imagined?

I can't stop her voices from keeping her up at night, so why are we now on the last notice, if downstairs troll decides to complain again, we are most likely out on the streets. This seems so unfair. The last notice said we could not have balls in the apartment. Balls really? This place is crazy!

What are some of your earliest memories?

I remember a white itchy Disney blanket.
I remember covering my whole body, even my head, and making it into a house.
Mickey and Dumbo and Chip and Dale protected me from the creatures of the night.
I remember the awesome feeling of running my fingernails against the itchy fabric until a piece of a fingernail eventually would break off.
I remember thinking Hungry Eyes was a song about eyes eating people.
I remember my big sister had smelly purple socks.
I remember my sister had long nails that scratched me when she tickled me.
I remember trading my normal sized My Little Pony to my big sister for the smaller, much cuter version of the same My Little Pony.
I remember trying to step over the rainbow colored snakes I was so sure were on the floor, while on my way to wake up Mom to protect me.

Been feeling nauseated and moody

Been feeling like I did when I was pregnant despite the Mirena and my period, so I took a test and it was negative. Why am I a bit sad rather than relieved?

It's beginning to look a lot like ChrismaHanuKwanzaaka

We have decided that in an effort to have almost 2 weeks of partying for the winter solstice and to teach Thor about different cultures and celebrations, we will be celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and the winter solstice, along with new years, of course. We invite all our friends to join in our celebrations.

The celebrations begin the 20th with Hanukkah and end the 1st of January with New years. Then there will be a slight break until the 23rd, which is Chinese New Year and then the 25th through 31st is Wintereenmas! And Ninja Bunnyukkahmas lasts all year, so celebrating that is a given.

Have yourselves a merry little ChrismaHanuKwanzaaka and some happy new years!

Evil Queen Mommy Daycare

We are finally getting our own place and now I can start up my own daycare. How does Evil Queen Mommy Daycare sound? Too evil? Too regal? I'm also toying with Sunshine Services, my go to brand name since childhood when I'd make catalogs and try to sell stuff to my mom. Ideally, I'd love to have a couple children around Thor's age to watch, then Thor could get used to other kids his age, and have some other babies to crawl around with and stuff. I have tons of baby things, even things Thor can't even use yet, so it will definitely be a fun place for the kids. If anyone knows someone looking for reliable, affordable care, send them my way!